


tldr tgps

by Silver33650



Series: Tarnished Ghosts and Polished Shadows [17]
Category: Fortnite (Video Game)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Violence, Drinking, Gen, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Inappropriate Humor, Parody, Swearing, anyway tags from the rest of the series probably apply here too, can that be a thing, implying I ever had a beta lololol, no beta we die like Midas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29649312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver33650/pseuds/Silver33650
Summary: Once upon a time there were two siblings: a brother who was kind of a jerkass and a sister who was kind of a brat. Unfortunately, they were the main characters, so here we are.various satirical drabbles based on the series that I ended up being too lazy to string together into a narrative. some of the jokes might work without having read the source material.
Series: Tarnished Ghosts and Polished Shadows [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1923190
Kudos: 5





	1. There was a plot here, but it's gone now

**Author's Note:**

> if you're reading this immediately after The Box I feel bad for you son  
> I got 99 jokes and mood whiplash is literally all of them  
> look it doesn't let me tag the whole series as an inspiration so this is the best I could do

**Midas meets Chaos Agent**

"Oh my God," Chaos Agent said when he turned around. "This is the best day of the life evil!alternate!you gave me."

"What," Midas said, unsure whether a flat or questioning tone was more appropriate here. 

"Never mind. For the sake of the plot and my own entertainment, you must grow up to be Ghost Boss material."

"I don't understand."

"Good. Look, just take this coffee mug and keep having nightmares, okay? Now get out."

Man, I hope I never see him again, thought Midas as he returned to his sister and shut her up with some ice cream. He had far bigger problems to worry about anyway, like the fact that his sister wanted a dog, and she was not getting a dog. So she decided to build one, and it all went downhill from there.

* * *

**A short overview of Midas' life before the loop**

Midas' school days were filled with being the first in class to finish every test, sitting alone at the lunch table, and enough excuses of "I turned my homework to gold again" that he made regular appearances in detention. This did little to impact his grades, however. 

Midas' work days were filled with tense phone calls, meetings that could have been emails, and enough help desk tickets titled "I turned my computer to gold again" to fill an entire filing cabinet. 

Midas' spy days were filled with crawling through vents, never going the speed limit, and enough excuses of "I turned the intel to gold again" that he was put on probation. This did little to stop his meteoric rise through the ranks of the agency, however. 

Midas' executive days were filled with tense phone calls, meetings that could have been emails, and enough excuses of "I turned your paycheck to gold again" that payroll mandated direct deposit for all employees, to their immense dismay,

* * *

**Lynx is into Midas, but this isn't a shipping fic and Midas is asexual in this series**

"How about we, uh-" Lynx raised her eyebrows suggestively. 

Midas sighed. "Lynx, I can turn anything to gold. I spend every waking moment preoccupied with the knowledge that I could kill anyone by touching them. I've awoken after nightmares trapped in a golden prison of my own making. Do you really think I'm the sort of person who would be interested in romance?"

"The Internet seems to think so."

"Do you really think the world's most pervasive hive of scum and villainy has any idea what a love story looks like?"

"Well, no," Lynx admitted. "But they do make great cat videos."

"That they do," Midas agreed. They then spent the rest of the workday watching the best ones the Internet had to offer. 

Lynx was thus not altogether surprised when she found him adopting a cat shortly after. "Look, Lynx," he said, holding up the kitten. "Now we can make our own cat videos!"

And so they did, but their channel was short-lived as Meowscles' bizarre development was highly conspicuous, so instead they made him an agent and brought him on missions so that he could see in the dark, sniff for bombs, and shit in their enemies' plants. 

* * *

**Maybe not backfilling the position was a bad idea**

And so Midas sent Lynx into the loop, but neglected to reassign all of her very critical meetings with Meowscles and inherited them all. His calendar was then flooded with reminders about High Importance events with titles like "Headpats" (15 min), "Feather Toy" (30 min), and "Laser Pointer" (1 hr). Being the very important man that he was, Midas had to reschedule these, but found it difficult finding enough agents he trusted sufficiently to assign them. Thus, he had to give some to Jules, which was annoying because she would not stop asking about Lynx. 

"I thought you said I was allergic to cats," Jules said when she finally stopped. 

"I lied."

"That was part of the reason I started building machines to begin with."

"Look, it was hard enough taking care of you. Do you really think we could've handled a pet as well?"

"I would've fed it."

Midas gave her a patronizing look. "Now who's lying."

* * *

**The downsides of nepotism**

"JULES." Midas practically fell over her. "You. Me. The keg. Now."

Jules peeled him off of her. "No."

"That's an order, agent," Midas said, wagging his finger at something just behind her. "I didn't spend an exorbitant amount of money just for you to say no. You come with me or you're grounded."

"I'm twenty-four."

But Midas would not be swayed, and Jules eventually just left him and decided to call that number on the back of the card that she'd been keeping in her pocket for a rainy day. 

Midas was not pleased. 

_Dear Jules, What the goddamn fuck. Your brother, Midas_

_Dear Jules, Get the fuck back here. Your brother, Midas_

Midas realized that sending terse letters was probably not the best way to regain the trust of a traitorous family member, and decided to take a different approach. 

_Dear Jules, Your immediate assistance is required at the Agency. One of the Cyclo suits has gained sentience and guards the beverage machine saying "I can't let you do that" when we try to purchase drinks. You know I have a daily task to buy a bottle of pop from there so I'm starting to think this was on purpose. Your brother, Midas_

_Dear Jules, Skye set such a high score in Pac Man that she managed to break the arcade console. Can you come back and fix it? On the other hand, now it lets us play as the ghosts, so maybe this isn't so bad. You know how I feel about ghosts. Your brother, Midas_

_Dear Jules, You left your lunch box on your desk and it's starting to smell so bad that the custodial staff won't touch it. Please return to the Agency and attend to that. Your brother, Midas_

_Dear Jules, For fuck's sake, I said "please" that time. Your brother, Midas_

By this time, it was nearly Christmas, and Midas realized he would have to delay the mission so that he could figure out how to build the device himself. He figured he'd try one last time. 

_Dear Jules, Please come home. I made Christmas cookies. Gingerbread. Your favorite. I did an excellent job on them. They're even in the shape of wrenches. Remember how we always sing carols while baking? I bought you gifts, like these new clothes. I hope you like them. I also bought you a model train set and a drone. Don't ruin Christmas. Your loving older brother, Midas_

This finally prompted a return letter, although it was not what he'd anticipated. 

_Midas, Okay a few things:_  
_-You always burn the cookies_  
_-They probably look more like dicks than wrenches_  
_-You can't sing_  
_-I gave the clothes to my friend Chic_  
_-You can keep the drone, but please ship me the model train set._  
_Jules_

_Who the hell is Chic,_ Midas wondered in the midst of crying his eyes out while stuffing his face with the cookies that Jules may or may not have been right about. He simply wrote _Fuck you_ in response and sent it off, no model train set included.

* * *

**It's the rule**

"Jules isn't going," Midas told John. 

"Well that sucks. You need to pick someone else, then."

"Don't wanna."

"Midas, a battle pass has eight outfits. You HAVE to pick someone, or you'll have to settle for someone else on the island, and we've both seen who Lynx has been handing communicators to."

"Fine Maya I guess."

* * *

**Team building and other things on Midas' to do list**

"Since this is a very dangerous mission, we'll be undertaking some team building activities before we go to the island, including but not limited to: working with interior decorators to design your personal quarters, sitting for portraits that I will stare at while I slowly go mad, and recording the hottest album of 2020."

"What..." Skye paused, sighing. "What does any of that have to do with espionage?"

"Don't ask questions you don't want an answer to," Midas said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a call with HR to discuss how much alcohol I can take into the loop." He picked up the phone. Nodded. "I was the president, remember." Nodded. "I know about the hotel in Lazy Lake, yes." Pause. "And the ski resort, yes." More nodding. "Well, what about Skye?" Pause. "Thank you." He put down the phone. "I'm pleased to announce that The Shark will now include a wine cellar. Anyway, I'll see you all at the recording studio at nine am sharp."

Unfortunately, there was a mixup at the studio, and so they were not able to finish the album before heading to the island. 

* * *

**That awkward moment when the season 5 trailer drops and you realize you should've made Jonesy the villain like you initially considered**

"I'm sure this will go perfectly," Midas said confidently, "and I'll be back before you know it."

"About that. Management says nobody's allowed to leave the loop anymore."

"Wait," Midas said, turning around, "what?"

"Have fun!" John said, pushing Midas into the pit. He waved at Midas as he fell, though he wasn't exactly pleased about the dual middle fingers the man was flashing at him as he faded from view. 

* * *

**Mastermind indeed uh huh sure  
**

Midas reviewed The Plan. 

1\. Manipulate The Seven into containing Zero Point (DONE)  
2\. Chart and analyze new containment field (DONE)  
3\. Setup the Agency on the island (DONE)  
4\. Defy the storm (IN PROGRESS)  
5\. ???  
6\. Profit (ONGOING)

He erased the question marks and put in "escape the loop." Perfect. 

* * *

**Can't unhear it send help**

Midas leaned back in his chair and sighed. "Someday, people will pay money to hear me tell them to suck a cock while queuing for a match, and honestly, isn't that the dream?"

"Yes," Brutus said posthaste, which the other agents found a bit strange. 

"Brutus gets me," Midas said fondly. "In fact, I do believe the two of us have a very urgent meeting scheduled for right now, so the rest of you need to get. out."

And that was the last time the agents ever did anything as a group. 

* * *

**Brute force set was not an impostor**

"Brutus," Midas said, all business, "we need to talk."

 _Oh God,_ Brutus thought as he took a seat.

"It's about the henchmen," Midas continued."Some of them have been... _dancing._ "

"Dancing, sir?"

"Yes. Fortunately, I am too focused to actually get distracted by them, but it is rather annoying. Since you're in charge of them, I expect you'll weed out this inappropriate behavior immediately."

"I don't think those are actually henchmen, boss."

"Are you trying to tell me that there are impostors among us?"

"Basically."

Midas narrowed his eyes at Brutus. "Sus," he declared, and kicked Brutus to Shadow.

* * *

**Fire is hot**

_Wow, I could get used to this_ , Midas thought, as The Rig exploded. _We should really look into getting some sort of literal firearm into the loot pool for next season. I'll have to ask John._

* * *

**Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 bars.**

"Skye, there is a real problem on this island."

"Everyone's leaving you for Shadow?"

"No. There are far too many people simping for me, so we'll be turning your home into a prison for everyone who needs to go to horny jail."

"I don't think the Shark is big enough."

"Fuck," said Midas. "You may be right. But something must be done. Just yesterday, someone downed me, carried me into the Agency's basement, built a 1x1 around us, and started dancing suggestively as the life bled out of me."

"The rest of us have had that happen too, you know."

"But the rest of you aren't trying to build a weather machine. I need some fucking peace and quiet." He closed his eyes. "God, I can't wait for this season to be over so I never have to do this again."

"Um," Skye said, because she had read a few pages ahead. "Anyway, this prison idea sounds like a bad plan."

"Why?"

"Well, wouldn't we have to arrest the author too? Then the story would end."

This implication greatly angered the author, as those 500 screenshots of Midas from replay mode were for use as aesthetically pleasing desktop backgrounds and not for any untoward behavior, and so she promptly chose Shadow for Skye in retaliation, principles be damned. However, as she was quite far behind on challenges, this had absolutely no impact on the plot, and the prison was built regardless. 

* * *

**When do we get to the flood**

"Hey Midas," Maya asked, "when are we gonna activate the device?"

"WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT, GOSH."

"But everyone's starting to get sick of these busted zone shifts. Yesterday I had to run from The Rig all the way to Steamy for the first shift and I nearly died."

"You've got five fucking whole minutes before it shrinks. Sounds like you weren't paying enough attention."

"Everyone's bored. We want Water World already."

" _Who said anything about water_?"

* * *

**The Device and other things that didn't work**

Midas then rattled off so many expletives that Ghost banned him for language, and Chaos Agent saw his chance. "Hey buddy. I heard you need a new faction choice!"

"Fine," Midas said. "Can I see my sister?"

"Nah, get back out there."

"But she's safe, right?"

"Safe from being relevant to the plot? Yes."

And so Midas had the Worst Monday in the History of Mondays. 

"Why are we here? Just to suffer?"

"Yes basically," Chaos Agent replied. "Bye now."

And so Midas became fish food; ironically, at the hands of someone who quite enjoyed fish as a food. 

* * *

**Hyperbole is the sincerest form of lying**

Jules called up her boss. "Hey, Chaos Agent? Why does Midas know so much about the Fourth Wall?"

"Oh, that's an easy one. Deadpool told him, after they, well..."

There was an awkward silence as Chaos Agent trailed off. Jules frowned. "After they what?"

"Never mind," Chaos Agent said. "Don't worry about it."

"...Anyway," Jules said, "so I called No Sweat Insurance about Midas' life insurance policy and they said it wasn't worth anything? Then I checked his browser history and wow was he spending a lot of time on r/wallstreetbets." 

"Like, how much," Chaos Agent asked.

"Like, top karma earner of all time. _Of all time._ "

* * *

**I don't have time to watch these videos, just give me an article I can scroll through quickly**

"I'm just looking for the boss," Skye said. "Do you know anything, by chance?"

Ocean frowned. "Did... did you not watch the trailer?"

"No."

"But I thought you read the script."

"I skimmed the parts between The Device and Fortnitemares because it seemed kind of boring. Did something happen in between?"

"Um," Ocean said. "No, you're right, nothing important. Anyway, I'm sure he's out there somewhere! Keep looking!"

* * *

**OTP**

And so began the charming love story of Midas and the literal concept of revenge. Bug catching, spying on young women sleeping in the vein of an unrightfully famous vampire. They first had a lovely date on a romantic cruise ship where they stargazed next to a bonfire. After some more bug catching, they then toured a government building together and were surprised to find that Midas' sister was working there! She did not appear to approve of their relationship, however, and so they left.

When they reached The Fortilla, Midas realized that he had another great love in his life, and it was the organization known as Ghost, to whom he had devoted his previous life. However, he realized it was time to break up with Ghost and commit entirely to revenge, and he proved this by alienating his former coworkers and burning down the closest thing they had to a headquarters. 

Jules, fortunately, had no hard feelings about the loss of the Authority because she had finally realized Chaos Agent was kind of a dick, and met up with her brother in hopes that she could break up him and his newfound lover. Alas, it was not meant to be, as revenge was proving to be Midas' One True Love and nothing could keep them apart. 

* * *

**twinsies**

"Hang on, let me do a video chat with your sister." Chaos Agent took out his phone. "Hello Jules," he said with a wave. "What's better than one brother hell-bent on revenge?" He moved the phone so that both versions of Midas were in frame. "TWO BROTHERS HELL-BENT ON REVENGE!"

Jules did not find this funny, but both versions of Midas certainly did, and they laughed and laughed and laughed together. 

* * *

**The Stinger**

Jules watched Midas leave. Perhaps he could still be fixed; she was good at fixing things.

She felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around. It was Chaos Agent. "Bet," he said.


	2. Midas' not-so-serious letters to Jules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I could write more of these. like, a lot more.

Dear Jules, I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to reset the clock on the goddamn VCR, and the DVD logo keeps bouncing around the screen, mocking me, any time I try to insert a disc. The other agents say I should invest in some sort of streaming service, but that's absurd. How am I supposed to show off my golden media covers if I don't have a physical copy of anything?

Dear Jules, Which way do I turn the tool to unscrew things? I was following the directions for the Device precisely, but I seem to have made an error somewhere along the way as I have apparently attached rod B to side F instead of rod C and now I have to redo everything from step 9. I was on step 23, Jules. How did I get so far without noticing?

Dear Jules, Update: I'm just going to keep going and hope it all turns out all right. If worse comes to worst, I'll just reverse the polarity or something.

Dear Jules, Why does everyone here laugh like a donkey? I find it quite distasteful.

Dear Jules, When I become savior-king of the island for beating the storm, I will let you have Salty Springs. No need to thank me. Naturally, we'll also be wiping Steamy Stacks off the map, so I suggest you pack your bags now.

Dear Jules, Forget "savior-king." "God-emperor" has a much nicer ring to it.

Dear Jules, Update: I am told "god-emperor" actually has an unpleasantly negative connotation to it. Perhaps president will suffice. I've already been one before. Presidents don't necessarily need to be elected, right?

Dear Jules: Update to the last Update: I am told that is an even worse stance to have, especially right now. I'm really glad nobody can actually understand me when I talk because apparently I'm prone to sticking my foot in my mouth. I blame the loop.

Dear Jules, I low-key want to unvault boom boxes, but I fear everyone will use them to knock down my Agency and that would break my heart worse than you did.

Dear Jules, Tell Chaos Agent his lamp store is very conspicuous. At least I had the good sense to open a florist, which is a properly respectable profession. Nobody stays in business just from selling lamps, Jules, but our florist is quite profitable with all the funerals that take place here.

Dear Jules, Update: I am told nobody dies here, and that the funerals are purely for derisive purposes. I am sadly unsurprised by this intel, based on the lethal amounts of toxicity I have encountered among the populace.

Dear Jules, I have tasked a great many agents with determining what significance Doritos are to the subset of the populace known as "sweats" here, as it doesn't seem to refer to the popular snack food. More investigation is needed.

Dear Jules, A great number of intruders mention "cranking 90s" but I have yet to see a single protractor here. I had Meowscles look into it, but he only faces bots.

Dear Jules, I am unable to determine whether the populace is more in favor of dubbed audio or subtitles. They seem to extol dubs, but beg for subs. It's completely illogical.


End file.
